Fond memories
We are our memories. Without memory, we would not even know who we are. But memory is a double-edged sword. It can bring great happiness and also great misery. Most of us are at the mercy of our memories. At crucial times it can let us down. We haven’t given much thought as to how to manage our memories. Memory management is crucial for a holistic life. If we structure our memories like a well-organized library it will serve us well. We need to know what kind of books we must stock in this library and what not to store. Some of the books need to be readily available at a moment's notice and we need to know which ones these are.
Since much of our happiness depends on our memories we have a responsibility to ourselves to create fond memories and not nourish negative memories when they surface. Fond memories are like precious jewelry. To be stored safely but used frequently. The story of our life is no more than memories strung together. Every moment turns into a memory. We go on a vacation spending a considerable amount of time and money. Ultimately what is left? A few mental images. The experience lasted only for a short time. Was it worth it? Yes. The vacation may have been short but the memories will last a lifetime. If we do not extract the joy out of the memories again and again in the future we will not get a full return on our investment in the vacation. Memories are as beautiful as the real thing. Sometimes they are even better. We need a mix of memories to make our lives interesting.
But memory can play truant, and take us for a merry-go-ride. One of the most common excuses we give is to say ‘I forgot’. The normal response to that excuse is ‘How can you forget?’. We don’t have an answer to that question. We don’t know how we forget things. We simply forget. And we leave it at that. We think it is normal because we hear it so often from everyone. We don’t do anything about it. Then we go about repeating ‘I forgot’ a million times during the course of our lives. We need to have a strategy for memory. The first is not to accept forgetting as normal. Don’t allow your memory to go scot-free all the time. Don’t be too lenient with it. Some acts of forgetfulness can strain relationships like forgetting birthdays and anniversaries. Some can be embarrassing like when you forget to bring your visiting card or cell phone. People who constantly forget are generally considered unreliable. There are also some smart alecks who will say ‘Don’t give me any instructions, I will forget’. But that is a self-defeating attitude.
We cannot rely on our memories for everything. The mind will remember things we do routinely every day. But where tasks are done once in a while the memory will fail us. When we are asked to switch off the pressure cooker in six and a half minutes after we hear the third whistle we will not even hear the first whistle. The mind doesn't care for such reminders. Yet again and again we tend to rely on memory for such things. If you switch on the garden lights at the same time you will remember to switch it off. But not if you do it once in a while. If you keep your car keys in a place other than its normal place you will be forever searching for it. Your memory will never prompt you for tasks it is not used to performing. We have no option but to take the help of an external device in such situations. Instead of relying on our memory, it is easier to use an alarm or a notepad. With so many things cluttering our day the mind automatically prioritizes and chooses what to remember and what to forget. So also, once a new idea strikes us we need to immediately write it down. Otherwise, it will vanish in a flash.
In social situations, forgetfulness can cause considerable agony. Imagine your spouse forgot to inform you of the death of a close relative. You innocently inquire of the dead person's relative as to how the dead person is keeping and are informed that he is no more. Embarrassed, you mumble an apology. To add to your agony your spouse conveniently says ‘Don’t you remember I told you’. During such moments never let your spouse down. Don’t also take revenge on her by telling her next time I will also withhold such news from you. In situations such as these, she genuinely believes she told you, even if she hasn’t. Her memory has simply fooled her.
In other social situations and even during business negotiations we often go home and feel we should have said this and not said that or why did I say this or I should have kept quiet or I should have negotiated differently. Why is our mind spouting wisdom after the event? Why did our memory not prompt us in the field? After all, it knew. Memory operates when we are relaxed. Our best ideas come at night or early morning. When we are with other people we have unconscious tensions depending on the situation and hierarchy of the individual. In front of a strict teacher, a student’s mind may go blank. The same is the case during an examination. You may have accumulated all the knowledge in the world but it is your memory that will decide your fate at the time of the examination. It will work best when you are relaxed in the examination hall. Examination anxiety can cause memory failures. The student needs to spend time consciously practicing to relax and reduce this anxiety rather than merely studying. Accumulating knowledge is fine, but what about retrieving it? Without the ability to retrieve at the right time, what is the use of accumulating?
How do we use our memories? We don’t consciously use memory as a tool for our growth, relaxation, learning, happiness, and fulfillment. Just by reminiscing old memories we can create happiness. By visualizing the beautiful scenery of our previous holiday we can relax. Through introspection of what happened in the past, we can learn from our mistakes. By remembering past meetings with people whom we like we can strengthen the bond. By remembering all the good things that have happened in our lives we can live in gratitude. All of us do these things but only sporadically and only when triggered by an event. It is not a planned exercise done regularly.
Memory imposes itself on us. We don’t seem to have a choice. When we go to the same office, see the same faces, and do the same work every day, our memory records the sameness and creates monotony. We then talk about the daily grind. Our boredom is caused by memory. We have to counter this aspect of memory. Being innovative breaks monotony. Life is asking us to be innovative and creative. A creative mind is never bored. Artists create newness. We need to keep learning something new throughout our lives and do routine things in a new way. Continuous transformation is the antidote to tedium created by memory
Memory also destroys the freshness of the moment. It makes things stale. Memory sees the ever-new present moment with the eyes of the past. The familiar is less threatening and safer. The brain needs security and what better way than to make the new and fresh into the old and familiar? Memory is an obstacle to living in the here and now. It will tell you: I have seen this before, show me something new that I can incorporate into my memory. It swallows the ever-new present continuously. We are unable to enjoy the sunset every day. We have seen it many times before. We don’t like to hear something being repeated. We can rarely read the same book or watch the same movie twice. Is it possible to see life afresh every moment as though for the first time? It is possible only when memory does not interfere with the seeing. But how do we prevent memory from interfering? We can’t prevent it, as that may prove life-threatening. But we can do something else. One, we can slow down. Watch that sunset for some more time. Second, bring emotion into the picture. When we are emotionally connected with something there is no monotony. That is why we can live in the same house on the same street and sleep in the same room for an entire lifetime. Thirdly, when we are totally involved with something we forget ourselves. The moments when we forget ourselves, where time vanishes, are wonderful moments. Memory is also a hindrance to relationships. We don’t relate to people as they are now. We relate to them from the past. We also relate to ourselves from the past. We need to become aware of this while interacting, including with ourselves.
But the most important things to remember relate to our growth. How are we to remember the insight we got at a seminar so that we can apply it in real life on a continuous basis? The situation to apply the insight may come a week later. We also need to remember things like not to interrupt people when they are speaking, not to shoot our mouth off impulsively on a sensitive subject, not to say no to a suggestion immediately, to be aware of our posture and not slouch, not indulge in forbidden conversations, to compliment and praise people, to express gratitude, not jump to conclusions, to communicate to a prepared mind, to smile, to bring our attention back to the present moment, and many such things. To start with, once we become aware of these things after the event we can request our memory to prompt us at the right time. Gradually the time gap will reduce and one day our memory will remind us at the correct moment. When it does so, express gratitude to it. Our memory has intelligence. We can also choose one item, like complimenting people, and practice it throughout the day for a few days. We then cannot forget it that easily.
Memories are strengthened through repetition. Those who interlink all their memories will have the best memories. For this, we need to think and associate. The art of remembering is the art of thinking. Tying up our memories together is an exercise well worth it. It is like keeping a family together. Interesting things are remembered better. Subjects with emotional content are retained longer. The mind never forgets hurts and humiliations since they have high emotional content. Unless we remove the emotion from the memory we can never be free of its consequences. This can be done by recontextualizing the situation and seeing it in a different light. It is easier to free ourselves from the emotion immediately after the situation, rather than after it has crystallized. Don’t go about talking about your hurt to everyone you meet for the next month. You are merely strengthening your memory of it. Freeing ourselves from debilitating emotional memories is an ongoing process. Long after the event, these memories will trouble us. There is no point blaming other people who caused it, for the next twenty years. They did not ask you to hold it in your memory. It is our responsibility to free ourselves from our painful memories. We need to heal our memories. Healing happens when those memories are released in a controlled and safe environment before a compassionate non-judging listener. Sometimes professional help may be required, as otherwise, some hidden repressed memories may not surface. When emotional memories are shared they seem to lose their hold and power over us. Some memories can be fatal at times.
Living in the now does not mean we should not recollect fond memories. Cherished memories are nectar for the soul. Especially encounters with great people and life-changing ideas. Some of the beautiful memories are those with our children when they were young. Or the days in school and college. Of having helped someone in life. Old memories bring back emotions that we can no longer feel now since the context does not exist. Memories help us bring back the flavor of youth and carefree days. That is why meeting old classmates feels wonderful. The now is enriched in the presence of delightful memories. When we have created a storehouse of fond memories life can never be dull.
Recollecting at least one nice memory a day will go a long way in making us happy and healthy. It does not make sense not to use this vast storehouse of memorable goodies. It may be a good idea to note down happy memories. The present moment is continuously becoming a memory. All those present moments are alive in our memories. We are then confronted with the important question: what is life? Is it merely what is happening in the present moment? Is the previous moment dead and therefore valueless? Every moment is precious and since everything ultimately becomes a memory, our memories are the most precious of them all since it contains every single precious moment. We have to guard some of these precious memories lest they lose their vitality. We are beings that extend over time. To restrict our lives to a one-time zone, the present moment, is to live partially.
When we die we will also be reduced to a memory in minds that care for us and who may find happiness in remembering us. The feeling of ‘I’ is also a memory, otherwise, we would not be able to say it was the same feeling we had yesterday or ten years ago. It is one memory we can never forget or change. Strangely, memory, which is our greatest asset in everyday life, is the greatest obstacle in spirituality. Spirituality is about connecting to that which is not a memory.
How do we access ideas that lie beyond memory? Contemplate long enough on a subject. The fresh insight may flash in a timeless moment, but it requires a mind that has immersed itself in the subject for a long time. The answers to many of our life’s questions are waiting outside the boundaries of our memories.
In totally new situations we can be paralyzed into inaction since memory is unable to function and guide us. The response needed may be immediate. If our response is inadequate in new situations there is no need to feel bad about it. There is a first time for everything. We are designed to respond from memory. That is why vast experience and exposure to life are needed to have mature responses.
Memories are not only stored in the mind. Even the body remembers. Emotional memories are stored in the body. That is why relaxation helps in releasing those emotions. There are also specific physical exercises to release emotional trauma. Memories can also be anchored in certain body postures. When we unconsciously adopt that particular body posture it can awaken the hidden emotion. If an old emotion recurs frequently we must observe the body posture when it occurs and alter it.
The freedom to choose which memory to encourage and which to avoid should be ours. Otherwise, we will become prisoners of our memories. Our memories will be in charge of us rather than we being in charge of our memories. In old age when the past appears bigger than the future our memories will be our best companion. We need to be friends with our memories and have to spend time with them like we do with a good friend. Like any other relationship, it needs nurturing. It is the only way we can get close to ourselves. After all, we are our memories.
