Taking people for granted
For most of us, home is heaven. It is the place where we can be any which way we want to be. A place to unwind, to relax, to do what we want to do or not to do anything. A place of total freedom, where we make our own rules and regulations or choose not to have any.
Home is unlike any other place we can imagine. We can never be on an endless vacation outside our homes. At some point in time, we would like to go to home sweet home. Safe, secure, and free though the home may be, it is also the breeding ground for indiscipline, lethargy, and taking things for granted. Home is where the mind converts liberty into license, a license to do anything it pleases. For this reason, the biggest quarrels also happen at home.
But behind that cozy facade lurks danger. Home is where the mind can play its antics, be disobedient, throw tantrums, sulk, not talk, pull a long face, and dress shabbily. It is an environment that has the potential to breed both the best and worst of behaviors. In the outside world, we put our best foot forward.
The mind says: I have had enough of regimentation and control when I am outside so I want to let go, and then behaves like an animal in a cage let loose. Our biggest comfort zone is home. We feel secure there. At home, the body likes to rest and the mind likes to daydream with great relish. If you have a room of your own, then nothing like it. A secret life can be led in this private domain where trespassing is prohibited.
But there are three consequences to this kind of freedom, however liberating it may feel. Firstly, it makes us lazy. To make our own bed seems like such a huge task. Secondly, we begin to take people for granted, damaging relationships. Thirdly, we shoot our mouths off and say whatever comes to mind.
The mind will justify it and say that is what home is for. Unfortunately, no. There are limits. Home is no longer home when boundaries are crossed. If there are no rules the mind will go berserk and create havoc. There is a thin line between license and liberty. The mind always tends to move towards indiscipline, if it is not restrained. It will do whatever it pleases even if it harms itself or the body. Home is the perfect environment where habits of indiscipline and casualness are nurtured beyond tolerable limits.
We are at our laziest best at home. But we are living with others and they have different mindsets. The mind perceives them as a hindrance from being the way it wants to be. We need to have a balanced relationship when we are with others. It is not a place to allow the mind to become undisciplined. Even if we are living alone it is not a good idea to allow the mind to do what it pleases and make it into a habit that is difficult to break.
While the office environment disciplines us, home is where we unwind all that discipline. It is like a pressure cooker letting off steam. The mind will justify it by saying that it needs to unwind all the stress of the day and we buy that justification. We are unwittingly giving free rein to the mind and playing into its hands, only to pay for the consequences. The mind has to be always kept on a leash. We can relax the leash a bit at home but should never let go of it. Otherwise, it will put us on a leash.
In the outside world, we are bound by rules and authority. At home, the mind wants none of these. It wants to be free. But it goes overboard with this idea of freedom. It wants freedom without responsibility and sensitivity. Such freedom comes at a heavy price, both to oneself and to one's relationships. If we allow the mind to do as it pleases at home we are no longer in charge. Something takes us over and we become its willing slave because it has convinced us that to be free means to do whatever it wants, irrespective of consequences. Real freedom is freedom from such a glib-talking mind. Freedom has boundaries that are determined by consequences. The damage the media is doing to this world under the guise of freedom of speech is colossal. This is freedom gone astray.
It is important for family and friends to openly state when boundaries have been crossed and when they feel they have been taken for granted. If this is not done you will be taken for granted more and more until it will become intolerable. One can have extended tolerance limits for family and friends, but there has to be limits. If you are taken for granted beyond a point your mind will revolt. If you suppress it then it may take the form of psychosomatic illnesses. Every time limits are crossed they have to be expressed. We should not expect the other person to know when the limits have been crossed. They will never know. That is their blind spot and the mind will block it from their view.
A person constantly taken for granted may develop lower self-esteem and that is a serious matter. Voluntarily drawing a line which we won’t cross would be ideal. Here the golden rule to follow is the person who is serious about something, should be taken seriously, even though that may seem trivial to you. Don’t try to convert them and make them see that the matter is trivial like the way you see it. That never works. It only aggravates the problem. There is also no point saying ‘take it easy’. They won’t be able to as they don’t see the situation the way you see it.
Take a common example of keeping the house clean, keeping everything in its proper place, keeping the shoes in the shoe rack, not throwing clothes around. For the lady of the house, these things are dead serious. For others, it may not be so. The rule we adopt here is to conform to the views of the person who is serious as they are the ones who are going to be most affected emotionally and physically.
No one likes to do activities alone unless it is something that has to necessarily be done alone. Anything in the house can be done as a joint activity. The mind will offer less resistance. Exercising alone is seen as a pain by the mind. But when we exercise in a group the resistance diminishes. So also when everyone in the family cleans a room talking to each other it is seen as fun, and not as hard work. To get the cooperation of the mind all we need to do is to change its perception.
Here are some examples of being taken for granted:
Men don’t like surprises when it comes to money. When they get their credit card statement at the end of the month and see a huge amount the wife has spent without their knowledge, they feel they feel they have been taken for granted.
Without even a phone call if you bring three friends home for dinner, that is taking your wife for granted. You may think that your relationship is strong enough to accommodate such surprises. But the surprising thing is that is not how it is perceived. It is a pain cooking all over again. Nobody likes such surprises. The only surprises people like are gifts and good news.
Coming very late without informing is an extreme form of taking people for granted. These can be tension-filled moments as the mind has the tendency to project worst-case scenarios.
Making people wait is an indication of taking them for granted. You will not do this with everyone. People in authority do this very often. If they do it to you, you will know where you stand with them.
Contradicting, making fun of, discounting, belittling people in front of others is viewed as taking too much for granted. Anything to do with the self-image is serious business. The self-image never forgets and does not forgive easily either. The question that springs up when such things happen is: who am I to you? If I really meant something to you then you wouldn’t treat me this way.
The decision-maker is the source of power. When unilateral decisions are made on critical matters it is viewed as taking others for granted and that their opinions don’t count. Everyone likes to be consulted and heard, even if their views are ultimately not considered. There are many things that require joint consultation like buying a car, house, or anything very expensive. Also, when it involves the lives of others, who to include in a guest list, places to vacation, or making a will.
Strangely, people don’t take others for granted deliberately or willfully. It is an unconscious process. They assume that in this relationship they can take the person for granted, which is true, but only up to a point. They have no idea that the limit has been exceeded and the boundaries have been crossed. To dispel this false assumption the person being taken for granted has to repeatedly state that the boundary has been crossed until there is a change in perception. This may take quite some time.
For that matter, even our minds take us for granted. It throws up all kinds of noxious and biased thoughts and we swallow them whole. We have a tendency to believe every thought that pops up in our heads. We must question our minds and examine the consequences of whatever it says
By the very design of life, the mind has to be disciplined and put on a leash in all environments. Otherwise, it will put us on a leash and make us do its bidding. Man-made laws, social conventions, peer pressure, rules and regulations, the need for approval, and time constraints restrain the mind in the external environment. But when it comes to home it wants total freedom, not realizing that freedom has consequences and comes at a price.
We need the freedom to be creative and inventive. But the mind uses freedom at home to become undisciplined. Lack of restraint in relationships has serious consequences. Most relationship issues happen with people whom we have taken for granted because of a lack of restraining the mind and thereby shooting our mouth off.
To not take people for granted is an attitudinal shift. It is a decision. All it needs is to remind ourselves that there are boundaries and limits that should not be crossed. We have to learn what these limits are by experience, by trial and error and it may differ from person to person. Restraint in speech will happen when this shift occurs. It is very useful to pause for a moment before saying anything to anybody. That momentary pause will break the automaticity of the mind. You will become mindful of what you say. Otherwise, the mind may say things we will regret later. We have to suffer the consequences of the minds’ automatic responses.
Giving too much freedom to the mind to say what it pleases and believing whatever it says, is the cause of many of our problems, both personal and interpersonal. Restraint in expression is the key. We may not be able to prevent thoughts from appearing in our minds, but we have the power not to believe them and not to express them. These two powers we need to exercise all the time.
Thoughts may come with great convincing power and may appear to be true and correct. But that may be illusory. The mind is an illusionist. The true test is consequences. Even the seemingly truest thought, when expressed, could result in painful consequences. What could be the consequences if I say or do this? is a question we need to keep at the back of our minds at all times throughout our lives. If we live our life based on consequences, restraint in speech will happen by itself.
Once you begin to take people for granted you will invariably say whatever comes to your mind. Liberty is converted into license. Freedom diminishes caution. We wouldn’t be frivolous and careless with what we say in our work environment when seniors are present. But at home the mind becomes irresponsible. If we drew a line up to which we can take the family for granted, considerable friction would reduce. Ideally, it is best we take no one for granted. That will keep the unruly mind in check at all times. Otherwise, it will keep pushing the line further and further. The moment we say something that crosses that line we need to apologize to remind the mind that crossing the boundary is not acceptable.
