The blaming mind
One of the greatest destroyers of human relationships is blame. It is a universal phenomenon and seems to be socially conditioned in every one of us. We encounter it in our daily lives and take it as normal behavior without examining it. Unexamined, the blaming mind can soon become a habit, a part of our personality. It has to be undone consciously if we choose to be free of its deleterious effects. It will not happen by itself. We also need to be able to fend off the emotional upheavals we will experience when we are blamed. Both blaming others and being blamed pollute our inner selves.
Why are we so sensitive when blamed and insensitive when blaming? One feels unjust while the other feels justified. But this is not about justice. It is about human feelings. Blame is normally perceived as an accusation. It is seen as a fault finding exercise, a witch-hunt. It is felt more as an attack on ourselves, not on what we have done. It awakens feelings of incompetence, of incapability, and reminds us of our shortcomings. Feelings of imperfection arise. It deflates our self-image, and our self-worth. Anything that shakes the self-image hurts deeply. The self-image then attacks back to restore itself. The tear that blame makes in the fabric of the self-image has to be repaired. Hence we react violently to blame. All these reactions occur even when the blame is justified. The self-image does not care whether it is justified or not.
The major assumption on which blame rests is that one had the power to act otherwise and that one could have taken a different decision, which may not always be true. This is an assumption that we will have to overcome since the mind, in hindsight, can always find fault with the past. Nobody acts deliberately and willfully to cause a mistake. It is mostly due to a lack of knowledge and awareness, mistaken assumptions, or forgetfulness. If it is a deliberate act then it is a defect in character.
Between couples, the blame game can become a lifelong habit if it is not curbed early. It leaves a bitter taste for a long long time. Counteraccusations normally flow back and forth. It soon becomes a shouting match. In the kind of culture we live in blame fixing has unfortunately been made important. Couples don’t just move on learning from the experience. Someone has to take the blame. But it need not be that way. They can make a pact not to blame each other when something goes wrong. If things go wrong, they go wrong and there is nothing wrong with something going wrong. No one is perfect. This is not an error-free world. Now and then things do go wrong and that is the way life is. We have to make do with a brain that evolved in the jungles and is yet to adapt to the modern world. This brain is often forgetful, lives on assumptions, and is disoriented when under stress. There is no need for blame-fixing in family relationships. There is no need for one to feel clean and see the other squirm. Blaming does not solve the problem of repetition of the same error either. Just because we are blamed does not mean we will not commit errors in the future. The pain and the hurt of blame do nothing more than cause resentment, guilt, and shame. Blame does not achieve anything great. It merely takes the hook of one person and puts it on another. What has happened has happened and everyone suffers the consequences. In couple relationships blame weakens the bonding. Not blaming the partner is an act of compassion. At the same time, it does not mean we should forget the incident and act as though nothing has happened. We need to analyze the cause of the error and see if it is possible to avoid repeating it in the future. One must not begin with the assumption that the mistake was deliberate, which is usually the case. Analyzing, rather than blaming, is more fruitful. We have to learn from hindsight after all. If the head of the family is wise he will shoulder the blame since he has the maximum bandwidth to withstand the pain of blame. That would be an act of magnanimity. It would put an end to any kind of acrimony.
Those who suffer from the ‘don’t blame me’ syndrome will refuse to make decisions. The fear that if something goes wrong they will be blamed will always be at the back of their minds. Imagine a commonplace scenario. A family goes out for dinner and the wife chooses a new restaurant. It turns out to be a disaster. The food and service is bad. Instead of putting the event on the backburner she is attacked for the wrong choice of restaurant as though she knew beforehand it was going to be bad. She is the scapegoat for the evening going sour. By doing so the mind seems to be releasing its concealed anger. The bad taste of food appears to have been neutralized by blaming her. The disappointment has been transferred to her. Frustrated at the unfair attack she then decides not to choose restaurants anymore. She goes into reactive mode with righteous indignation. Instead of that if she realizes that it is not a personal attack but a way of releasing emotion she will be able to take the blame in her stride. Rather than getting angry, arguing, and defending herself she can laugh it off and allow her family to dissolve their emotions at her expense. But she can also ask, which is what they normally do: Why should I always be the scapegoat? Because she is a mother and mothers do such things for their families.
In organisations, the blame game is played to the hilt. The dynamics are different there. It is not the same as in family relationships. The stakes are much higher. Organizations don’t like mistakes. They demand perfection. It is supposed to be an error-free zone. The margin of tolerance is low. Errors that prove costly to the organization can prove even costlier to the individual. Someone has to take the blame. Even when a decision is taken collectively someone is made a scapegoat in case of failure. It is a sorry state of affairs. I am not talking about situations where someone has to take responsibility. If there are controllable delays, for instance, then someone is responsible and he has to be pulled up. Making an assumption in a marketing forecast that goes wrong later on is really no one's fault. It may have been done in good faith. But then someone has to take the blame and his competency could be questioned for making such an assumption. The person blaming him could be the very person who agreed with the assumption initially. That is the sad part. Survival of the blamer, one might say. Transferring the blame helps in survival. Ideally, the person who should absorb all the blame should be the person at the top. He has the power and the capacity to absorb it. It will put an end to politics and bad blood between people in the organization. The same is the case in political life. Someone is made the scapegoat. If no one is available there is always a ‘foreign hand’.
We love to blame our politicians for all the ills of the country and society. By shifting the blame we feel we have nothing to do with it. It is all the fault of this particular class of people. We are not to blame. It feels so comforting. We know who the culprits are. It is not me, anyway. We can then go about our daily routine bothering only about ourselves and our family. The people who have to think about society and its betterment are the politicians, not us. That is their job, not ours. We are there only to relax and reap the fruits. They will do all the work. They will abolish divisions in society, provide employment, make the poor rich, keep the streets clean, and ensure a pure atmosphere. We will continue to think in terms of race and community, continue to pollute, and throw litter everywhere. We are living in fantasyland. Unless everyone becomes socially conscious nothing is going to change. The blame game will continue to give us the illusory comfort that there is nothing for us to do and it is all their fault as to why the country is the way it is.
There is a certain kind of blame that can hurt very very deeply. It is when someone says that my entire life has been ruined because of you. When people use such words we must not argue from the words themselves but go behind them to see from where they came. The cause of the frustration needs to be addressed and not put up a spirited counterattack trying to prove the other wrong. This is not the time to play ego games. We have this tendency to argue over words and not attend to the emotion behind them. This kind of blaming is a cry for help and that is the space we need to look into and not perceive the words as an accusation. We have to read the message behind the blame.
Blame words sound something like these: It can be blunt like — you are to blame. It can be indirect — we have lost so much because of one wrong decision made by one individual. It can be through body language- the cold stare that says it all. It can be in ‘if only’ language. If only you had bought that house. Others are — I don’t know how you can make such a mistake, even a child knows better, this is the millionth time this has happened, won't you ever learn? In whatever manner it is said the mind is very sharp in picking up blame words. We may be slow in other areas of life but when it comes to blame we are the quickest to spot it.
Changing the blame language needs awareness. It has to be practiced. It will not happen spontaneously. We are not used to it. We don’t hear it often. We only hear blame words, which are in the air, in the culture we are born into. We first need to become aware of the blame words we use. Only when this awareness develops to a sufficient level will we be able to stop them when they arise. The fundamental rule is that the language should not sound like an accusation, of fault finding, witch-hunting, lowering self-worth, incompetence, or imperfection. At the same time, it should send the message that responsibility is being fixed for the mistake. The acceptance of this responsibility should ultimately come from the person who has committed the mistake. Fixing blame and fixing responsibility are two different things. This requires quite a skill in communication.
When something goes wrong it requires courage and character to own it up. The pain of consequences is frightening to the mind. The mind then bullies us into avoiding the consequences at any cost by shifting the blame, finding excuses, offering justifications, or living in self-denial. We seem to be wired for self-justification. When we allow this fear to dominate us it will hold us in its vice-like grip and we will become a slave to it. We need strength to stand up to this inner fear. Every time we give in to this fear we weaken ourselves and strengthen the fear. This fear of the consequences of our actions can be overcome only by something that is stronger and more powerful than it. It has to come from a higher set of values that places character above everything else. Shifting blame has to be viewed as something that goes against our core values. It is not something we wish to be recognized for, as we see it as an act of cowardice. That is why we admire those who take responsibility for failures and admit it since it is a rare trait. Taking on blame and sharing credit is the hallmark of the great.
To avoid blame it is useful to create protective shields. A normal shield in the corporate world is to take written expert opinions from outside professionals. For crucial decisions let it be a collective choice. Take a vote and record it. The loner always gets caught on the wrong foot. In family matters involve the family. If something backfires you don’t have to face the music alone. Likeability is another crucial factor. You will not blame those whom you like.
For failure in examination blame the question paper. For a bad marriage blame the partner. For a bad life blame the stars and our karma. For bad health blame the pollution. For everything else blame the politician. When we shift the blame it does feel comforting. But what are the consequences of such shifting? The real issue gets buried. The mind refuses to examine the real causes of the debacles and failures. It lives in denial. It is unwilling to face facts. It prefers to live under an illusion, which provides immediate relief but creates more damage in the long run.
Since blame is a very sensitive subject we need to be careful in our choice of words. People don’t like to be made wrong. There is nothing wrong with being wrong sometimes. No one can be right all the time. But that is not how the mind perceives it. Probably the idea of perfection is behind all this. Blame makes us feel imperfect, as though we have some defect. This is only a perception, but a very strong one. It dents our self-image, of who we think we are. Anything that punctures the self-image will be fiercely resisted. Anyone who does this will be disliked. We have to be careful with this self-image. It is not something to be trifled with. It is very powerful and tearing it with blame words is not good for relationships. Even if the person is responsible for the error and knows it, blaming can hurt terribly. When someone points out our wrongdoing it feels worse than the wrong done. The expression ‘don’t rub it in’, is a way of saying you are hurting me by blaming me, even though I know I am responsible. The tone in which people are blamed matters the most and causes maximum hurt. One must never begin with blame. One begins by asking the other person his point of view, and why he did what he did. If it was beyond his control then the subject has to be closed. If not, then through a series of questions make him realise so that he takes ownership. Once he accepts responsibility, then the solution also has to come from him. What others tell you will not stick as much as what comes from within you. But if he promises you to be more careful in the future that will not help. It will require much more than a mere promise. It will require some change within. You will then have to work jointly with him to discover what is that requires change.
When we are blamed for a mistake we have made what should we do? Simply own it up, remembering your values and need for character, and how shifting blame will weaken us in the long run. Then introspect as to what trait, belief, thought process, or attitude caused the mistake because the mistake will repeat itself in the future. Learning from experience does not mean just remembering the experience. We cannot rely on our memories to come to our help and tell us ‘You are making a mistake, be careful’. If we had such a voice inside our heads life would be so much easier. We have to transform something within us that caused the mistake to happen. What that is, requires inquiry and it may not reveal itself to us immediately. In many cases, it is false assumptions, not paying attention to details, or sheer laziness. Many a time it is forgetfulness. Discovering the cause takes time and patience. It cannot be done in a hurry. It may require the help of another person.
The petty annoyances of everyday life are not worth practicing our blaming skills on. We want a world free of errors but are not mentally equipped for it. We must strive to improve our memories and our skills and reduce our stress to minimize the error rates. But in spite of our best efforts and intentions things will go wrong now and then. This is the time we have to resist the urge to play the blaming game.
