The ‘Why me”? syndrome
Calamities in life come in many forms and shapes. Practically no one escapes them. They can descend upon us very slowly or catch us unawares suddenly. There are those that we are born with, those we create ourselves, and those that are thrust upon us. However they come, in our perception, they appear to be caused by the cruel hands of fate. The most painful of them all is the premature death of loved ones — children, spouses, parents, and siblings. Also terribly painful can be the break up of relationships, betrayal, financial loss, failures, major illness, congenital diseases, natural disasters, accidents, lack of progeny, disappointments in love, and even an unbearable humiliation. After the initial shock, disbelief and grief comes the inevitable question ‘Why me?’ — why has this happened to me, what did I do ‘wrong’ to deserve this? It is a question no one escapes from. It is a question that demands an answer. It is also a question that defies an answer.
When calamity strikes the first thing we do is look back to see what we did wrong or bad in the past. A desperate search for a moral cause goes on. We automatically link our ‘badness’ to the calamity. It is as if we had a contract with existence that if we have been good then nothing bad should happen to us. So we think the reverse is true — that the calamity could not have happened unless we had done something ‘bad’ in the past. Somehow we falsely but strongly believe that this is the law of life.
For any situation, only the immediate cause can be ascertained with certainty. Not satisfied with the immediate cause we want to know the ultimate cause. We feel that the ultimate cause must have a connection with our past deeds and pry into our past as to all the bad things we did and said and fix the blame on one particular event in our lives as the cause of the present calamity. This is your mind playing tricks on you. Looking for a cause is an obsession with the mind. It will latch on to the most absurd cause in the process however irrational and improbable it is. If nothing is available then the deeds of the past life are always there as a cause. Since it is unverifiable it satisfies the mind for some time. To assume that calamities are because of past deeds is a narrow one-sided view. It could also be a preparation for your future. But we will never know the truth about the ‘whys’ of life.
No law in life says that bad things should happen only to ‘bad’ people. Bad things and good things happen to all people. The human mind is caught in this good-bad trap. It has us in its vice-like grip. According to our dictionary of good and bad — being rich is good while being poor is bad. Life is good death is bad. Pleasure is good pain is bad. Happiness is good unhappiness is bad. Having children is good having no children is bad. Having a status is good while a person with no status is no good. All these are mind-made fictions that are taken to be the absolute truth as though made by existence itself. The good-bad trap is the breeding ground for the why me and innumerable other traps.
To look for reasons and causes of why some calamity has overtaken us may be a worthwhile exercise as long as it is within the boundaries of common sense. Once common sense is bypassed then nonsense takes over and the most ridiculous reasons will present itself. This is the beginning of superstitions and evil eye syndromes and all kinds of costly practices to ward off the evil eye. One of the commonest types of thinking is to say that we have done no harm to anybody so why should such a thing have happened to us? We assume there is a definite relationship between the two. The way we connect cause and effect sometimes borders on the absurd. Unfortunately, even if our rational mind sees the absurdity of it our emotions continue to believe in it.
We need to have clarity in our thinking about the law of cause and effect. Practically all events have immediate causes which are apparent and easy to determine. But for no event can we determine with certainty the ultimate or existential or spiritual or moral cause. A lightning may strike your house and the house is destroyed. The destruction is caused by the lightning which is caused by the operation of physical laws. Anything beyond that is mere conjecture and flights of imagination. Your mind will take you for a ride — a ride that will prove extremely costly in the long run since it will become a pattern for the rest of your life. You may end up running to any number of astrologers and mystics for the sole purpose of trying to obtain an explanation for the unexplainable. The question will be framed like this– what have I done wrong that God has destroyed my house? They will then ask you a standard question like — have you failed to fulfill some vow you have taken? An absurd question, an absurd unrelated answer, an absurd linking of the two, and a mind that is ready to believe this absurdity. Ingredients for a perfect trap.
Somebody’s son may have died in an accident due to rash driving. Since rash driving is the cause he should leave it at that and go no further. Instead, if he lets his mind take off it will first put the blame on himself for not having brought up his son properly, that it was due to a family curse, that it was because of all the harsh things he told his son, that such a thing should not have happened to him since he was such a kind and charitable person and did no one any harm, that it happened because he did not fulfil some wow he had taken twenty years ago to go to a particular temple and perform some ritual , because he did not look after his parents properly , and on and on it will go relentlessly in search of the ‘real’ cause. In the end all that is left is depression and sadness and more uncertainty.
The mind's relentless search for a spiritual cause has to be curbed if we have to retain our sanity. We have to accept the fact that this is a mysterious universe where it is just next to impossible to discover the ultimate cause of everything that happens. The unexplainable has to remain unexplainable. The mysterious has to remain mysterious. To try to decipher God's ways with our little minds is to get caught in the devil's trap from which it is very difficult to extricate ourselves.
The mind with its memory can never produce an answer to such existential questions as why me. It is foolhardy and disastrous to believe in any answer that comes along but that is precisely what will happen when such existential questions are raised. In our eagerness to solve the riddle, we cling to any answer that pops into our heads. Our desperation for an answer creates a ring of truth around the answer. If it is reinforced by other people then the trap is complete and there is no escape after that at all.
The mind is a trap-making machine. It is constantly searching for traps to enslave us and perpetuate itself. Most of us are already caught in political, religious, moral, and hundreds of other innocuous-looking traps. The mental cage is the perfect camouflage. We do not even realize that we have been trapped. But the why me syndrome is the trap of all traps. It is a dead end with no escape route. Man's spiritual quest is aimed at freeing him from such mind-made traps. To recognize the trap as a trap is the first step towards that freedom.
‘Why me’ is a dangerous question. It prevents learning from the calamity, taking action, and moving ahead. It drags us into the past and keeps us there. But the mind loves it. It is best not to deliberately raise the question. But if it rises by itself don't attempt to answer it since the mind cannot find an answer. Reject every answer that the mind imagines. No need to launch a witch hunt for hidden occult causes. You will simply go on a wild goose chase and waste a lot of time and money for nothing. Once you give in to this kind of scheming mind it will devour you. It will demand satisfaction. The questions it raises will become an obsession and grip you and unless you find some answer or other it will not leave you in peace. No answer will satisfy you and till the last day of your life, you will still be asking why me and cursing fate in the process. This question can also cause bitterness against other people who you think are ‘bad’ people but who have not been visited by any calamity in their lives whereas you the ‘good’ guy have to bear the brunt. ‘Why me’ then becomes ‘Why only me why not others’ syndrome. Self-pity and sympathy-seeking then become a way of life. Why me then turns into a ‘poor little miserable me’ syndrome.
Spiritual people consider calamities as an aspect of grace and use them as a vehicle for transformation. A calamity that is of such a magnitude that it is beyond the capacity of the human mind to handle is an unmistakable call to surrender. If resisted it will take us straight to hell and the why me question will keep us there. Through surrender, calamities can open the doors for spiritual growth.
Calamities are wake-up calls. To awaken from the world of thought. Your consciousness is shattered. Something is torn apart within you. There is a shrinking of the ego. The pain is the deep inner resistance to what has happened. The intensity of your pain reveals the depth of your resistance. To escape from the pain is the urgent incessant search for a cause. Once some cause is held onto the calamity can be explained away. The energy that goes into the pain is drawn away by the search and the explanation. The pain is seemingly lessened. This is the mind's way of escaping the pain. But in escaping from the pain it takes you from the frying pan into a lifelong fire that keeps reminding you of the pain. Sometimes asking this question is used to avoid taking responsibility for self-created calamities. Blaming fate is easier.
Existence does not dole out calamities based on a checklist. If it did then by this time we would have found a pattern and devised ways to circumvent them. Its reasons are mysterious, inexplicable, and unknowable. You cannot make an agreement with existence to exempt you from disaster in return for good behavior. You may reap the benefits of your good behaviour but there is no guarantee that a calamity will not come your way. There are no exemptions, no special treatment, and privileges for good, innocent, kind, harmless, god-fearing people. Some of the greatest saints have suffered tremendous hardships. Some tyrants have gone scot-free. The same is the case with good fortune. We rarely ask ‘why me’ when a windfall comes our way. We act as though we deserved every bit of it and remember all the ‘good’ things we did in the past as the cause for it. Why someone won a lottery can never be explained. Even the wickedest man can win a lottery, though he may pay for his wickedness in some other way or he may not.
To perceive a calamity in isolation will make it appear big and overwhelming. In the overall context of an entire life, it may not be as big as it appears to be. Fifty years from now it would have become a distant memory unless it is consciously kept alive. Existence probably takes the entire life — past, present, and future -into consideration and not one particular time slot. Every moment our lives are determined by the total wisdom of the universe. The mind can never fathom that wisdom. Such things are beyond the capacity of the mind. If at all there is an answer it has to come as a revelation from existence itself. Since existence has come in the form of the calamity for reasons best known to it all we can do is to honour and respect its wisdom. It means no harm and is not against us. This attitude will free the mind and open gateways for new solutions to emerge.
There is one way out from getting stuck with the why me question. Through the constant practice of forgiveness. Forgive existence for bringing about the calamity in your life. Forgive the unfairness of life. Forgive yourself for feeling helpless. Forgive the moment for being so terrible. Forgive fate for the pain you are experiencing. Forgive destiny for the unhappiness it has caused you. Forgive life for the cruel blow it has given you. Through forgiveness, you make peace with the life force and stop questioning its ways. Otherwise, the why me question will keep the bitterness against existence simmering inside forever. Refrain from cursing providence for what it has done to you. No one can expect to wage a war against existence and hope to win
